If I've said this once, I've said it a million times. My favorite day of the year is the NBA Draft. Screw you Christmas morning! Shut up birthday! Know your role New Year's Eve! There is just something about the NBA Draft that usurps all other drafts and all other days. As many of you also know, I am a Knicks fan. There was a time where when I said that statement, I would get trash talked and I could fire back. It eventually got to the point where I ran out of ammunition and just had to eat each incoming verbal bullet. Now, the haters have even run out of ammo and I get more pity than punches. The Knicks actually had control of their pick (what a novel concept!) last night with the opportunity to select first overall for the first time since the lottery's inception in 1985. Frozen envelopes aside, the lottery hasn't been too kind to the Knickerbockers ever since. As you can see from the title of this piece, last night was no different. Let me take you through a blow by blow of the excruciatingly painful hour known as the NBA Draft Lottery.
8:08 PM- The last customer checks out. I still have one hour of work to go, plus about half an hour to lottery time, but the mall is dead. They can feel the tension exuding outward from my soul and know that coming in right now and asking me if we carry chemistry kits, while they stare right at one, is not going to end well for them.
8:09 PM- The music goes off. I need to be one with my thoughts as I prepare for the impending doom that shall befall my beloved Knicks. I keep trying to convince myself that there is no possible way to rig this in New York's favor. I remind myself of the good old days when David Stern cared about storylines and putting the right pieces in the right places. I can't have these inner monologues with 28 minute long trance songs playing in the background.
Fuck you groovy Pandora mix. It's lottery time! #DraftLottery #KnicksFrovenEnvelope
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
8:14 PM- Vacuuming will take my mind off things. Then the cord gets caught on something and I jerk back into a shelf. As my shoulder throbs, I start rattling through prospect injuries in my head. I swear cords are sentient beings whose main goal on Earth is to make both my body and brain hurt. Job well done cords.
8:17 PM- Planning out scenarios for if the Knicks pick in the top three. They can't possibly fall out of it right? I profess my desire for Duke's Jahlil Okafor a number one, and for Ohio State's D'Angelo Russell at the other two spots. Needless to say, I am not the biggest supporter of Karl-Anthony Towns.
If the #Knicks get Number One, I want #Okafor... Two or Three I'd love #Russell. I want no part of Samuel Dal...I mean Karl #Towns in NYC.
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
8:24 PM- After another three laps looking for more potential beacons of good fortune, I sit back down and start combing through tweets with the #NBADraftLottery hashtag. After thirteen Lakers "We're Totally Going To Pick #1!" pieces of internet trash, I come across this gem. I now hope even more so that Emmanuel Mudiay doesn't get drafted by the Knicks because I don't want to collect any autographs that look like this.
Emmanuel Mudiay's signature makes Johnny Cueto's Bowman signature look like art.
https://t.co/fcBCogsF79
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
Frame of reference pic.twitter.com/8MQBGDngfK
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
8:32 PM- I make some astute observations about the reps on either side of the bottom and top rows respectively.
Larry Legend looks like he needs a beer or two. Bored out of his mind. #DraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
Everybody else is yucking it up while the Minnesota owner looks to be playing out murder scenarios in his head. #NBADraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
Steve Mills is on the main stage for the #Knicks.
#KnicksDraft15 pic.twitter.com/RE10vGATa2
— NBA New York Knicks (@nyknicks) May 20, 2015
8:37 PM- The negative part of my brain realizes it has been off for far too long and clicks back on mid-tweet.
If the #Knicks win I don't care if it's rigged. If the #Lakers win, FUCKTHISDUMBSHITKILLTHELOTTERYBUNCHAHORSESHITGARBAGE. #NBADraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
8:48 PM- It begins. Nothing shocking from the opening lot. No team will be making that Orlando Magic-esque plunge from the bottom of the odds pool to the top. Somehow though, worry is starting to set in.
Alright here we go....nothing to see here yet. 13 Suns, 12 Jazz, 11 Pacers, 10 Heat, 9 Hornets.... #NBADraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
8 Pistons (DAMN IT), 7 Nuggets, 6 Kings... #NBADraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK #Knicks #NBADraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
EUROTRASH HERE WE COME!!! Who's got drink specials tonight!? #Knicks #NBADraftLottery
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
This isn't real life, I am just in an autistic kid's snow globe right? RIGHT? #Knicks #NBADraftLottery #StElsewhere
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
KRISTAPS TAKE CHARGE!!! #Knicks #NBADraftLottery pic.twitter.com/2RRv28M8Db
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
@TheSanford1 @ReggieMillerTNT @KesslerLou pic.twitter.com/WTv5dqzytQ
— Trevor Utley (@TREVORutley) May 20, 2015
Trevor Utley hopes to not recreate the events of the Danilo Gallinari drafting in which he kicked a telephone pole and nearly broke his foot. He doesn't make any promises though if the first name out of Adam Silver's mouth at pick four on June 25th is Kristaps.
Image Credits: Draft tumbler (nba.com), All tweets (twitter.com)